Friday, December 5, 2014

Some Sick Sense of Twisted Satisfaction

I've been living. Coping. Dealing. Just trying to survive the shittiness that is my life these days. Yes, I have worked my ass off to stay semi-positive--I have a wonderful husband, we will do everything in our power to have living children, I have a great support system, yada yada--but let's be real, my life is really shitty right now.

I'm angry a lot. Angry at everything and everyone for no particular reason. Well, there is actually a really BIG particular reason. My daughter died. Anyways, a really frustrating part of this shittiness is that my anger has no one specific recipient. So, I allow myself an inner dialogue of angry, bitter comments all. day. long. No one else hears them, but they always bring me some sick sense of twisted satisfaction.

Here are a few:

Student: Mrs. Larson, she took my pencil!
Me: Suck it up, kid. Death took my baby.

Coworker: I don't have enough time to do everything they are asking me to do!
Me: I don't have any time with my daughter. Your "problems" make me giggle.

Husband: We'll be okay, babe. I love you.
Me: Stop being so damn positive and logical! It's fucking annoying! But, I know. We will. I love you, too.

Random Citizen: (looking like they're having a bad day)
Me: Please, your day can't be that bad. A bad day is realizing your daughter died inside you. Get your shit together. Oh, crap, are you a bereaved parent? Are you grieving? I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.

Coworker: These kids just don't care! I'm sick of it.
Me: They're breathing children. They are so freaking precious and you don't even get it. Shut the F up!

Coworker: I hate it this year.
Me: Seriously? Want to hear about my year? I gave birth to my daughter who was already dead.

Coworker: I'm just stressed.
Me: Ha. Stress. You mean like the 9 months of both Heaven and Hell that I'm going to face (hopefully) soon?

I'm starting to see a pattern. Maybe I need to become a hermit at work. Hmmm....

My life is pretty shitty right now. I'm angry, pissed, enraged, what have you. But hey, at least mind reading isn't a thing.


On a side note: I think that reading Gone Girl this week made me realize that I have an inner dialogue just like Nick and Amy Dunne (just not as sadistic, haha). And Oh. My. God. I could not put it down. I loved every second of it...until the last few chapters. If you've read it, you'll understand why I am particularly aggravated. Like, seriously? THAT is the outcome of their sick and twisted story? Ugh.

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