I have been so sad. The kind of sad that is so awful that it casts a dark shadow over my entire world. It hurts. My chest constantly feels heavy and tight. Each breath is deep and painful. My arms and legs feel weak. My stomach feels empty. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and go to sleep.
I still joke and smile when I am around people at work, but I think that is just my way of making it through the day without collapsing. The minute I get in my car and head home for the day, all the sadness that has been building up all day comes rushing out in a cascade of tears. It's exhausting. It's sad. I'm sad.
But, I still have my positive thinking. As devastated as I am, I still pride myself on being a hopeful and positive person. The hope doesn't make my sadness go away, but it brings a little balance back into my life. So, here are some positive thoughts that keep me going:
1.) My husband is amazing. He is seriously the best. He's sensitive when he needs to be and a hard-ass when I need that, too. He makes me cry with laughter almost everyday. And, ever since the birth and death of our beautiful daughter, his wisdom has taken my breath away almost everyday, too. I love him more every minute, and he and I are going to have many living, healthy children in the years to come.
2.) My dog is hilarious. He drools and farts, but it's so stinkin' funny. He also watches TV. When he sees any animal, even cartoon, he freaks! When they disappear off the screen he looks behind the TV to see where they went. He makes me smile.
3.) I have a wonderful OB-GYN. She kicks ass. She's sensitive and caring, but also very straightforward and blunt. I trust her, and that is awesome. She will help us bring home a living baby.
4.) We are trying to have another baby. It makes me sad that we are back at square one, all our dreams for Charlotte gone, but I am excited, too. I know that I will have just as much love for our second child as I have for Charlotte. It's pretty neat to know that my heart will grow twice as big, even though it will still hurt just as much.
5.) My mom and dad are the world's most perfect parents. They get me through each day. My in-laws are great. My friends are the best. I have so much love and support around me it's sick. I am truly blessed, even if my life does completely suck right now. (Ok, what happened to positive thinking?)
6.) I am a teacher and I love going to work everyday. I not only love the kids, but I love the work, too. Teaching is my passion, hobby, and job all rolled into one. That is pretty cool.
7.) My house is awesome. We have a beautiful farmhouse that is decorated just the way I like it. It is always very cozy and I am lucky that we have the means to enjoy a beautiful home.
8.) I have an angel baby. I might not get to love her here on earth, but I get to love her in Heaven. I would give anything to have her in my arms, but I am lucky to know the love of a mother for her daughter. Charlotte's birth brought the worst pain and the deepest love I have ever felt. For that, as much as it is painful to say, I am grateful.
9.) I will be a mother to a living baby someday. I will. I will. I will. I will be a mother to a living baby someday.
10.) (repeat mantra as stated in #9)
I'm sad. I hurt like no other. I sometimes want to sleep the day away, but I will stay positive. I will stay hopeful. I will make it through this, missing Charlotte every moment, but I will make it through.