Monday she was born. Sunday we went to the hospital. The doctors tell me that she probably passed on Saturday. I was still happy Saturday (I was obviously oblivious to what was happening inside of me). I was still happy Sunday morning. I was a little concerned Sunday mid-day when she wasn't moving. I was getting anxious driving the 50 minutes to the hospital Sunday afternoon. I wanted to be dead Sunday evening. So, given the fact that that my world crumbled slowly over the course of 3 days, its been 4 (ish) weeks of Hell on earth.
My perfect Charlotte Ann was born still on October 6th, 2014 at 38 weeks and 6 days. She was the most beautiful child I have ever laid my eyes on. Obviously I am biased, I mean I am her mother, but she was absolutely beautiful. She had very dark hair and full lips. She had a cute little button of a nose, just like her dad. Actually, everything about her was just like her dad. I love that. I hate that time is taking me away from staring into that perfect face.
Time is a bitch. When you want it to speed up, it just trudges along. When you want it to slow down, it races ahead. But, as bitchy as time is, it always moves on, whether you like it or not.
The past 4 (ish) weeks have done exactly what bitchy time promises; they have moved on. I feel relief to know that I have survived this long without going completely, clinically insane. I feel proud that I have returned to work. I feel guilty that I have had moments (short as they are) where I feel OK. And I feel depressed that everyday I am getting farther away from the moment, the only moment, when I held my daughter.
She is the daughter I spent a lifetime dreaming about. The daughter I spent 9 months cuddling (I count the constant hand on my belly, imagining that I am caressing her back, as cuddling). The daughter I imagined would be my mini-me. The daughter I couldn't wait to see laying on Dan's chest each night on the couch as we had our nightly ritual of watching TV and eating snacks. The daughter I loved with every ounce of my being. Time is taking me away from my daughter.
But, time is also healing the gaping wound of grief that has all but killed me in the past 4 (ish) weeks. I can't say that each day is easier than the day before, but I can say that each day I feel just a little bit stronger. Time is making me stronger. It's also getting me closer to the moment when we bring home her living brother or sister. Time will get us to the happy, living family that Dan and I dream of having. A happy, living family that misses Charlotte more than meager words can express, but a happy family none the less.
4 weeks (ish) isn't a lot of time, but it is some. It's taking me away, but also moving me forward. There is no changing it and no going back. We just have to go with it. It will continue to take me farther and farther from the life I had with her, but the real Charlotte, her heart and
soul, will always be with me. Time will never take her from my heart. Take that, bitchy time.
Hi Kimber
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your loss. I too had this sad experience in Sept. Awful! You are so brave going back to work! Oh my! I can't begin to think of that. I am a teacher as well and I am supposed to go back mid January. How was the return? How did you handle it with the kids? The parents? Ugh. I admire your strength!
Trish, I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you have been finding some peace and comfort throughout this horrible journey. Going back to school was hard at first, but I really needed it. Staying home all day with no focus was just too hard for me. They actually let my sub stay for the first 3 days that I was back (I started on a Wednesday) so that I could adjust to just beings back there. The first day I just sat in my room and worked while she taught. By Friday I did a little of the teaching, and then I took over the next week. It was a good transition. They sent letters home to parents asking them to talk to their children. Then they talked to the other classes in 2nd grade, too. I hope they can give you transition days. That's was so important for me in getting back into it all! I just survived parent teacher conference tonight, too. SO glad those are behind me! What do you teach? Thinking of you and your baby.
ReplyDeleteHi Kimber, I am happy your transition went well. Thank goodness parent conference night is over! Wow, to go through that now! You truly are brave! I just got hired permanently this year, my position is at two schools, one in the morning and one in the afternoon. LLI and grade 1/2 math. I was only at my new schools for the first week of school, then went off...in preparation for the baby:( Two schools is tough to juggle, and it is uncomfortable to go back to as I hardly know the staff. So many decisions to make in the upcoming weeks! I hope you are coping well. Some days I am surprised at my strength, and others I am a crumbling mess.
ReplyDeleteHere via LFCA. I'm so sorry you lost your dear Charlotte. I'm a fellow loss mom and I can totally relate to your words about time. It passes so slowly when you need it to speed up. Take good care. XO
ReplyDeleteSo sad that we have to be loss comrades. It's not fair. Thinking you and your beautiful baby tonight and always.
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