Thursday, January 1, 2015

Hello and Goodbye

2014 was the year of Charlotte. For most of 2014, my every waking moment was consumed with blissful fantasies of raising my baby girl. All I thought about, talked about, dreamt about, was her. I was happier than I had ever been. Each day brought new joys and excitements and bigger plans for our future together. In October, her year changed. I was no longer consumed with glee and anticipation, but drowning in grief and loss. I spent the last months of 2014 in survival mode. Struggling my way through each day, grateful for the arrival of sleep and a short respite from my grief. But whether I was feeling immeasurable bliss from hearing the thump of her heartbeat or the aching arms of a grieving mother longing her child, 2014 was her year--the year of Charlotte.

Now I have to say goodbye to her year and hello to the next. This first day of 2015 has been bittersweet. I feel deep sorrow for leaving Charlotte's year behind, but also great anticipation that this will be our year of hope and healing. I pray this is the year that welcomes happiness back to my life. I hope that this year brings us comfort, peace, acceptance, and love of our life as it is.

Charlotte was my 2014, and I can only pray that Charlotte and her sibling will be our 2015.

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