It's just not fair. I had to lose my first child. Not fucking fair. I have to use medication to induce a normal cycle so we can try for our 2nd child. Not fair. I have to use another medication so that my body does what it's supposed to. Not fair. I have to find out that said medication didn't work so I have to wait another 16 days before we try it again. So not fair.
It BOGGLES my mind that some women just oops! wind up pregnant and subsequently bring home a breathing baby. How does that even happen? How the hell does that happen?
As I was sitting at my computer this morning, I finally I got the call I have been waiting for from my doctor. I was on Clomid this cycle and on day 21, Friday, I got a blood test to check my progesterone levels to see if I ovulated. The results came in--apparently I didn't. That was a really crappy way to start my morning.
I was so hopeful yesterday. I had moments where I even thought to myself, I just know I am pregnant. I got pregnant with Charlotte after one round of Clomid, so why not this time around, too? Well, I didn't even ovulate--even though I swore that I did. Now I have to wait until I get my period, or day 40, to take a pregnancy test and call the doctor. I might actually take the test earlier, just in case there was, by some divine intervention, a mistake on the test and I actually am pregnant...ha...like I would be that lucky...
I know that I shouldn't get too down about it all. This was our first cycle of actively trying to conceive since losing Charlotte. I know a lot of women try for many, many cycles. But, I was already getting some extra fertility help. I thought I had a head start. Now, I have to just wait around and pray that time moves quickly so that we can start another round. I hope that one day I'll look back on this time and think, wow, everything happened so quickly. I lost my beautiful baby Charlotte in 2014 and was pregnant again with (insert our next miracle's name here) in 2015! Someday this time will seem short, but for now, each day feels like an eternity.