Yesterday sucked. It had been a few weeks since I had my last really bad day. I mean of course I have had days where I cried more than usual or got more angry than is typical, but yesterday was just one of those really bad ones. I woke up crying. I showered crying. I mopped my floors crying. It was a day that felt like I was completely cloaked in sadness and despair. Nothing made me laugh or even feel the slightest bit joyful. It was like I was back in October-unable to see or feel anything but the pain of losing her.
At around noon, my husband called me and needed me to drive up to where he was working to bring him the tools he forgot. I hadn't even showered or changed out of my pajamas. I was just laying on the couch crying. But, I dragged my ass out and did my wifely duties.
When I pulled into my garage afterwards, I completely broke down. It was one of those intensely physical sobbing moments. It was loud and uncontrolled and completely reminiscent of the moment I learned she died. After about 10 minutes, though, the sobs softened and the whimpers waned. It was as if I just released weeks of built up tension and sorrow. It hurts like hell to feel the need to cry that intensely, but it also feels so much better when it's over. It was a healing moment, and I'll take those when they come.
Today is my grief hangover, so to speak. I feel drained-mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. My body used all of it's energy yesterday being suffocated in sadness, so today all I could do was lay around, eat crappy food and feel sorry for myself. Maybe tomorrow will be a refreshing new start. Maybe I'll be on the up-climb again before I go crashing back down once more.